A Field in Which to Frolic**


Fall in love. It’s so easy
October 19, 2011, 10:23 pm
Filed under: Undisclosed

Love Hurts?

I somehow managed to stumble upon this today:

“There are people like me that NEED to love, welcomed or not, to remind us that we are human. It’s painful yes, but sometimes we just can’t help it.”

It rang startlingly true for me

love hurts - you love - a field in which to frolic

The truth is, I fall for people very quickly, and very easily. In comparison to the majority of people I know, it’s disturbing. In fact, I’m starting to think that perhaps I’m somehow psychologically damaged. Why else would a person cause herself so much pain, and on a repeated basis?

It’s not that I am IN love with these guys that I fall for; I simply find it very easy to love people.  Couple that with my desire for real, actual love, and it’s so easy to get carried away.

Love, In Real Life

It’s interesting to have the perspective I have today.  A lot has happened in a relatively short span of time.  It began with the loss of my oldest and closest friend, along with a dude that I was way into. In retrospect, that guy was simply the catalyst for the best life-change I could have ever made, but that realization came slowly and painfully.

Almost exactly at that time, I met FD. I was super hesitant in the beginning, thanks to my exacerbated trust issues.  Then, of course, I fell for him. I thought we fit so well, and he made me feel so good.  What I didn’t realize at the time was that, for him, I was pure entertainment. That was not a good feeling.

As I was doing my best to get over FD, I met MC.  At the time, I told myself MC was the perfect distraction from FD. He came from a land far, far away, he was totally unattainable, and he was a whole lot of fun.  He was the perfect distraction. He popped into my life, then popped out of it, and I went back to half-hoping FD would call.

you love - love hurts - a field in which to frolicSoon thereafter, MC asked if he could pop back into my life.  It would only be for a couple of days, while we happened to be in the same place at the same time. Of course I obliged.  And then I got my world rocked.

We had what was the absolute best date of my life. Granted, I hadn’t known a lot of nice guys up to that point, but I had been wined and dined a few times.  Nonetheless it was a magical encounter, despite its brevity.  Or maybe because of it; I’ll probably never know.

But of course, he had to go back from whence he came, and back to whom he belonged.

He keeps popping back up, so of course, he’s been impossible to let go.  This is absolutely the hardest I’ve ever fallen. Not that I believe I’m in love with him, but I do believe there is an overwhelming amount of potential.  He, however, has made a different choice.

Distractions, Distractions

Recently, I made an attempt at a distraction from the distraction.  It hasn’t turned out nearly as badly, but again, I find myself caring way more than I wanted or expected to.  And this guy wandered into my life with a fucking danger sign tattooed on his forehead.  Somehow, I failed to proceed with caution.

In the beginning, I simply want to show this guy compassion, and that he deserved to be treated well.  I told myself that no matter how indifferent he was to me, I would continue to be open and giving to him.  And in doing this, I of course came to seriously care for him.  I wanted him to be happy;  to know he mattered to me. Of course, just because you give that to a person doesn’t mean you’re going to get it back.  Not that I ever expected it. But just because you know not to expect something doesn’t make it any easier to keep from wanting it.

So now I find myself in a familiar frame of mind. Do I retreat from all the heartache, or do I continue to hope that next time, it will be different? That next time, I will get back what I give?

I know the answer to that, I’m just not ready to own it quite yet.

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