Filed under: Relationships | Tags: getting what you want, men and women, relationships, sex
Asking For It – Sex and Pleasure
I read an article today from the Elephant Journal that mentions the taboo of a woman telling a man he fails to sexually satisfy her. In the article is this quote:
“There is undeniable pressure on men to “perform” sexually, for example. I try to have sympathy for men who feel this pressure — but it is difficult sometimes, because its major effect on my life has been to silence me. To make me feel as though I couldn’t ask for anything sexually. As though I couldn’t express my needs without hurting my boyfriend’s feelings or making him angry.”
I found this incredibly interesting, because I have recently been faced with a similar dilemma. I’ve never been too forward in asking for something specific when in a sexual situation with a man. But that doesn’t mean I’m silent. I’ve never felt that my requests or feedback were hurtful; in fact in my experience men appreciate knowing how they can improve their tactics.
Who Cares What You Want?
However, the last man I shared a bed with was a little different. When we first started having sex, he was attentive, and wanted to know I enjoyed myself. But that didn’t last long. A few months into it, it really became all about him. He told me how to do what he wanted me to do, in order for his pleasure, and his pleasure alone. Because I have the tendency to get pathetic about the men with whom I’m involved, I didn’t let him know that this bothered me. The only feedback I ever gave was if anything hurt; which was somewhat frequent due to a sizable difference in our boy and girl parts: I’m quite small, he is very well-endowed.
When I would tell him something hurt, he usually responded with a shift in positions or a change in pace. But one particularly rowdy night, his desire for pleasure greatly overpowered his concern for me. Not only was I getting nothing out of what he was doing, what he was doing was causing considerable pain. When I told him this, his only response was to tell me, “you’ll get used to it.” Believe it or not, this was not the last night we spent together.
Sex – The Real Story of a Relationship
I’d like to say that I stood up for myself and told this guy that the way he treated me that night was beyond unacceptable. But no, I actually tried to perpetuate this relationship. Ironically, it ended a few weeks later because I wanted more than he wanted to give. I guess the sex life of two people gives great insight to the rest of the relationship.
Back to the article in the Elephant Journal. While addressing a woman’s tendency to not speak up when she’s not finding pleasure in the sex she’s having, it does not place the blame on the man. It says as women, we must take responsibility for our own pleasure. And I agree. I realized this that night with Mr. Sensitivity. But I didn’t have the strength, or self-respect, or whatever I require in order to stand up for myself like that. I am so fucking pathetic when it comes to men that I throw all my wants, needs, and self-worth right out the window, and I have no idea what to do about that.
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