A Field in Which to Frolic**


The Power of Words
October 23, 2015, 11:28 pm
Filed under: So are the days of my life

Removed from draft status 2015.
Second N was remarkably reflective of the first.

********

I’ve been reading over an old journal of mine. I’d written about a dream I had:

April 24, 2009

I had a dream last night that I can barely remember. I got in some sort of accident, where I collided with a man. I remember feeling afraid that he was hurt, or was going to take some sort of retaliatory action against me. As I approached him, I felt anxious. But as soon as I saw his face, I knew he wouldn’t be upset with me. Although we didn’t know each other, we had this instant recognition. We both beamed at each other, and just exclaimed, “hi!” like we were so pleased to see each other.

It’s pathetic. This dream gives me hope that sometime soon, I will find that man, who I will recognize without knowing, and we will both be so pleased to have collided.

Apparently, I knew a particular person was coming, over two years before he showed up. (or not.)
Another entry, dated August 12, 2009 states:
It’s weird to be living with 2 people and still be lonely. Things certainly would be easier if N and I were talking to each other, but I don’t feel like trying to get her to be nice to me. When and if she ever chooses that I’m worth speaking to, I will consider her then. For now, I’m just trying to accept that this is where life has taken me and not fight it. I’ve actually started to consider the fact that I may not need to be her friend any more. As of now, other than being uncomfortable around her, I don’t feel much else. And if something like this (I don’t actually know what “this” is) can lead to weeks of not speaking, are we really that good of friends in the first place? Are we still friends because of familiarity and convenience, or are we actually getting anything out of it? I will admit, when we do things together, we have fun. But at the same time, a lot of what it takes to be her friend is difficult to take sometimes. I guess I’m trying to figure out if she needs to be in my life the way she has been for these past 10 years. I always figured we’d be best friends forever, as cheesy as that sounds. Is it possible that that’s not true after all?
Less than a year later, our friendship imploded.
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