A Field in Which to Frolic**

A Thin Line Between Seduction and Rape?
June 25, 2013, 12:35 pm
Filed under: IMO

Tell Her She Wants It and Eventually She’ll Believe You?

Please be warned that the following quote from this Slate article is graphic. It’s an article about an article about a book called Above The Game: A Guide To Getting Awesome With Women, that is in no way, awesome. Here’s a disgusting little tidbit for you.

“Pull out your cock and put her hand on it. Remember, she is letting you do this because you have established yourself as a LEADER. Don’t ask for permission, GRAB HER HAND, and put it right on your dick.

“If at any point a girl wants you to stop, she will let you know. If she says ‘STOP,’ or ‘GET AWAY FROM ME,’ or shoves you away, you know she is not interested. It happens. Stop escalating immediately and say this line: ‘No problem. I don’t want you to do anything you aren’t comfortable with.’

“Memorize that line. It is your go-to when faced with resistance. Say it genuinely, without presumption. All master seducers are also masters at making women feel comfortable. You’ll be no different. If a woman isn’t comfortable, take a break and try again later.”

This is not seduction, this is coercion. This is sexual assault with the potential for rape. Saying “If at any point a girl wants you to stop, she will let you know,” is sadly, not always true. Plenty of girls/women go along with things like this, even when they don’t want to, because we’ve been conditioned to believe that once we get ourselves in a sexual situation, there’s no going back. We’re not allowed to say no to anything, once we’ve said yes to something.

This is something men NEED to know. They need to understand that manipulating someone into doing anything sexual should not be seen as a victory, but rather, a form of assault. In reading this quote from an article defending the guide, it’s clear the author has no idea how little he understands women and sexual boundaries:

“When someone accuses me of encouraging violence against women, or says something like, “somebody is going to use this guide to rape a woman,” those are not allegations that I take lightly…. In the intention of anything that I’ve written, there is nothing that encourages violence against women, that’s absurd; I would never ever do that, that goes against every value that I have. But I don’t want to just completely write it off and say okay, that was just sensationalism and overreaction, and there might not be any point there. I want to figure out what the point is, and how do I correct that. I do want to understand why people might interpret me that way.”

No Means NoNo Means No, But You Need to Say It!

Of course, women must be held accountable for this misconception as well. We need to understand that we ALWAYS have the right to say no. No matter how hot and heavy it’s become, no matter how many times you’ve done it before, if you want to stop you have the right to stop. You never, ever, owe anyone anything when it comes to your body and sex.

This is something that I have only recently believed. There have been multiple times that I’ve wanted to change my mind, but didn’t because I believed I’d lead the guy to believe it was going to happen. That he’d be (gasp!) mad at me if I said I wanted to stop. Most of these times came when I was much younger, but even recently I have been in sexual situations that I let go further than I wanted because I felt it was too late to stop. One night, I actually texted a friend from a guy’s bedroom telling her, “I don’t want to be here, but I don’t know how to stop it.” At the time, I tried to make a joke of it, but in reality it’s not a joke. I gave my body to someone I didn’t want to give it to, because I didn’t have the guts to tell him no. And that is unacceptable.

How do we empower girls to grow up to be the kind of women with the self-respect to say “no” when they want? We, as mothers, sisters, aunts, grandmothers and friends need to be open and  honest with each other, especially with the younger females in our lives. Share your experiences unashamedly in the hopes that someone listening will learn something.

We also need to encourage strong female role models. Bella Swan from Twilight should be no girl’s role model. The incredible Laci Green should. Let’s all encourage each other to own and embrace our sexuality. Show both the men and the women in your life that your sexual choices are yours alone, and do it without fear, shame, or regret.


Girls Have Issues
November 1, 2011, 11:26 am
Filed under: IMO

Please Love Me, I Don’t Need Your Respect

Most Tuesday mornings, on an otherwise awful morning radio show, I hear a segment where a girl calls in to try to find out why a guy hasn’t asked her on a second date. The DJs are horribly annoying, but the interaction between the guy and girl is usually entertaining.

Love Me Please - Why Don't You Love Me? - Desperate GirlIn most cases the guy says the girl was a weirdo, or boring, or had some sort of fatal character flaw that made him just not that into her.  One thing I find interesting is that in most cases, these girls gave it up on the first date.  And, in most cases, that is a factor in why the guy hasn’t called her again.

I could get into rant about how screwed up it is that a guy will say a girl is too easy, when the guy was JUST AS EASY, but I’ll save that for another time.  What I have issue with today is the fact that over and over, these girls (as well as plenty of girls I know in real life) completely devalue themselves for a guy that they don’t even know.

Why Don’t You Love Me?

Case in point – the girl this morning didn’t understand why this guy with whom she had “a great connection” hasn’t called her.  When the DJs asked the guy what was up, he basically said she was too easy. They boned on the first date, which wasn’t challenging enough for him. And besides, she was “too into him.” After he tells his side of the story to the DJs, the girl is allowed to let the guy know she’s been listening.

Now here’s the kicker – after this dude basically calls her a desperate slut on a nationally syndicated radio show, she tells him she just doesn’t understand why they can’t go out again, and goes on and on about this “connection” between them that is just so obvious.  She’s not mad he’s said these less than polite things about her. She doesn’t stand up for herself and tell this self-righteous loser to fuck off. She begs him to give her another chance.

Desperate Girl Seeks Any Man

What is wrong with women these days? Why are so many of us so pathetically desperate to find a man that we even want the ones that treat us like dog shit on their shoe?  I mean, hell, it seems even a woman as successful and beautiful as Kim Kardashian is just a pathetic girl looking for a man to tell her she’s worth something. (If you need more explanation on that topic, visit a gossip site, because that’s as deep as my pop-culture analogy will get.)

My point is, a lot of modern women seem to be seriously lacking in self-worth and self-respect. I have to admit, I myself am included in this category on most days. Don’t get me wrong, I understand the choices I make, and I stand by those choices. However, I do think that in some instances, like a lot of women these days, I sell myself short.  I have to ask myself, am I just another desperate girl?

Eat Pigs, Not Puppies?
October 12, 2011, 5:22 pm
Filed under: IMO

I think it’s interesting how people are all up in arms about Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall comparing eating a puppy to eating a pig. Of course, I would never eat a puppy, but then again, I wouldn’t eat a pig.

While most people consider pigs nothing more than a form of food, the truth is pigs are smarter than dogs. You can even compare their intelligence to primates (see the article below).  According to studies done at Penn State, the following is true:

  • Pigs lead complex social lives that behaviorists once believed to be true only of primates.
  • Mother pigs sing to their piglets while they are nursing.
  • Pigs excel at video games that would be hard for a young child, and sometimes better than primates.
  • Pigs dream.
  • Pigs have a good sense of direction, and can find their way home from long distances.
  • They learn from watching one another.
  • Pigs outsmart each other. One will often follow another pig to food before grabbing it away from him, and the pig who was tricked will change behaviors to reduce how many times it is tricked.

So why is it ok to eat a pig, but not a dog? Because that’s how it’s always been for our society? Because dogs are cuter than pigs? For that matter, what makes it okay to eat one particular animal, but not another?

I don’t claim to be a vegetarian; I’ve even made the arbitrary rule that while I won’t eat a cow or a pig, I will eat a chicken or a fish.  I can’t even give you a good reason why it’s okay with me that I eat the animals that I eat.  And my reasons for not eating a cow or a pig? Cows are cute and pigs are smart. That’s probably absurd thinking to most meat-eaters and vegetarians alike.

My point is, even though we’re a puppy-loving society, it’s not that outlandish to compare eating pig to eating dog.

Below is a screenshot of a now-defunct page. Clicking on it will take you one similar.

Hugh Hugh Farnsley-Wittingstall - Eat Puppies

Be As You Be
October 10, 2011, 12:27 pm
Filed under: IMO

*I had a YouTUbe video here, but it’s been removed. Here’s a transcript of the video: http://theabeforum.com/forum2/1310.html

This clip* from Abraham Hicks will probably cause a lot of resistance in most people.  As someone who has been really working on accepting what is, and accepting people exactly as they are, it is still difficult for me to wrap my head around this concept.

In all of my interactions with people, I do my best to remember that another’s actions do not have anything to do with me, and I shouldn’t take those actions personally. I try not to set expectations or requirements with anyone with whom I am trying to interact.  I do my best to say, “your life is yours, and I will not take it personally.”

However, in some situations, it seems almost impossible to not take it personally.  How do you not take it personally when, for example, your husband cheats on you?  The natural reaction is to, of course, take it completely personally.

“You would be ever so much kinder to one another, if you would not make each other promise to behave in certain ways so that you can be joyful.”

Although I will not condone cheating in a marriage, I can completely agree with the perspective that it’s a bit absurd to get married and ask a person to make a promise to you that is impossible for so many to keep.  Maybe this is why I’m not sure I can ever get married; I don’t believe in impossible promises, and I don’t want to ask someone to make one to me. That being said, I don’t think every woman should just resign herself to the fact that her boyfriend/husband will cheat on her. I know plenty of men who have no problem committing themselves to one woman. But I also know plenty of men who have a major problem with that.

“Be as you be, and I will choose to feel as I feel.”

This is quite difficult, but at the same time, it’s how I feel I should approach my relationships and interactions with people. I’ve only been consciously working at it for about a year, and it is becoming more natural, but it’s also hard to let go of what I’ve always been taught to expect out of people and relationships.

I have gotten to the place where I do not ask someone to be who or what I want them to be; I simply accept them as they are.  This isn’t always easy, and there are many times in which I feel frustrated, disappointed, or hurt because of a choice someone else makes.  As a matter of fact, O’m right in the middle of one of these times right now.

So at times like this, I don’t resist the emotion I’m feeling, but at the same time, I don’t wallow in it.  I allow the feeling to make itself heard, then I do my best to remember not to take it personally.  No one makes a choice based on how I feel about it; everyone makes their choices based solely on how they themselves feel about it.  Anyone who says otherwise is kidding his or herself. Sure, at times other people are factors which we use to weigh our decisions, but when it comes down to it, we can only make choices for ourselves.

The hardest part, at least for me, is when I can’t understand a person’s choice.  It doesn’t mean I don’t accept that choice, but I’ve always been a person who needs to know why – why is anything the way it is? I’ve always had a difficult time accepting anything without knowing the why, and unfortunately, when it comes to the choices of others, we rarely know the why.