A Field in Which to Frolic**


The Power of Words
October 23, 2015, 11:28 pm
Filed under: So are the days of my life

Removed from draft status 2015.
Second N was remarkably reflective of the first.

********

I’ve been reading over an old journal of mine. I’d written about a dream I had:

April 24, 2009

I had a dream last night that I can barely remember. I got in some sort of accident, where I collided with a man. I remember feeling afraid that he was hurt, or was going to take some sort of retaliatory action against me. As I approached him, I felt anxious. But as soon as I saw his face, I knew he wouldn’t be upset with me. Although we didn’t know each other, we had this instant recognition. We both beamed at each other, and just exclaimed, “hi!” like we were so pleased to see each other.

It’s pathetic. This dream gives me hope that sometime soon, I will find that man, who I will recognize without knowing, and we will both be so pleased to have collided.

Apparently, I knew a particular person was coming, over two years before he showed up. (or not.)
Another entry, dated August 12, 2009 states:
It’s weird to be living with 2 people and still be lonely. Things certainly would be easier if N and I were talking to each other, but I don’t feel like trying to get her to be nice to me. When and if she ever chooses that I’m worth speaking to, I will consider her then. For now, I’m just trying to accept that this is where life has taken me and not fight it. I’ve actually started to consider the fact that I may not need to be her friend any more. As of now, other than being uncomfortable around her, I don’t feel much else. And if something like this (I don’t actually know what “this” is) can lead to weeks of not speaking, are we really that good of friends in the first place? Are we still friends because of familiarity and convenience, or are we actually getting anything out of it? I will admit, when we do things together, we have fun. But at the same time, a lot of what it takes to be her friend is difficult to take sometimes. I guess I’m trying to figure out if she needs to be in my life the way she has been for these past 10 years. I always figured we’d be best friends forever, as cheesy as that sounds. Is it possible that that’s not true after all?
Less than a year later, our friendship imploded.
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A Letter to the Fitzgerald Sisters
March 27, 2013, 11:59 pm
Filed under: So are the days of my life

Dear Megan and Christine,

I really miss you guys. I think about you quite often. I’ve considered contacting one of you, but I don’t want to do anything that will upset you. And since our last contact was you telling me to leave you alone, I feel I must respect that.

I wish I could tell you that I’m really sorry for everything that happened. While I never once thought that the things N told you were in anyway untrue, I wholeheartedly wish I never would have even introduced you to her. I didn’t know it then, but I do now: she really was, and most certainly still is, the manipulative liar that you told me she was then. At that time though, I honestly believed otherwise.

You see, she eventually screwed me over also. I bet you’re not surprised to hear that. Unfortunately, that’s what it took for me to realize the kind of person she always was. I now know I never should have excused the things she did and the way she behaved. All I can say is that, as her closest friend, I was for some reason blind to it all.

Sometimes I wonder if it’s possible that if you knew she was out of my life, you might consider a friendship with me again. I wish I could tell you that I never meant for you to get hurt, and that I wasn’t even aware that I was playing a part in hurting you.

I wish I would have had the perspective then that I do now. I know without a doubt I would have handled things differently. I am a much different person then than I am now, and in retrospect after all these years, I really wish I would have been less concerned about proving that I never intentionally deceived you, and more concerned with understanding where you were coming from. If there was anything I could do now to take it back, I would.

I have pretty regular dreams where I run in to one or both of you, and you forgive me and we’re instant friends again. I would give just about anything to have that happen in waking life.

I’m writing this here in the hopes that the Universe will help me out and somehow put it in front of one of you. You were two of the best people I have ever known, and I really hope that our paths cross again.

I’m sorry for every causing either of you pain. Even if I never see you again, I will always treasure the year we lived together and all the great times we had. I hope you both are living the lives you’ve always wanted, and that happiness abounds.

With much love,

Candace



Is Ignorance Really Bliss?
October 18, 2011, 6:25 pm
Filed under: So are the days of my life

This is something that people say, I think, without really considering what that means.  Is not knowing the truth really better than knowing?  Would you rather not know that your best friend is sleeping with your boyfriend?  Would you like your son to keep quiet about his drug addiction?  Somehow, I think not.

I’m faced with knowing something I’d be better off not knowing, yet now that I do, I feel I must take action.  Basically, a coworker is running her mouth about me, saying things that are flat-out untrue, for no particular reason.  And it’s not just me she’s talking about.

First, I don’t know what the hell I ever did to this lady.  I’ve only been nice to her, and I basically stay out of her way.  Sure, I’ve told people I would prefer not to be her friend, but I’ve not shared the private things she (drunkenly) told me, and I’ve absolutely not made up crap about her.

Once again, I’m in a position where I could get someone fired if I wanted to.  The ONE other time this happened, I knew if I opened my mouth, the guy would be gone. But I spoke to him about it, told him that I didn’t appreciate being the subject of his unfounded gossip, and that if I ever heard him say anything remotely like what I’d heard this time, he’d be out of a job.  The guy apologized profusely, repeatedly, and thanked me for my candor.  He knew how much trouble he’d be in, and he knew he was in the wrong.  Now, months later, I’m over it and he and I are friendly again. I understand that people like to gossip, I just don’t like being the subject.

This time, however, I didn’t overhear the offender, but was told by the friend who heard it directly.  My first question is, why the hell did this woman tell my friend these things? She knows we’re good friends, so how does she think that I wouldn’t hear it? Secondly, why the hell is she making shit up about me? There’s not an OUNCE of truth to it. WTF?

So either I keep my mouth shut and pretend I don’t want to slap this lady, or I confront her about it and she knows my friend ratted her out.  I’ve spoken to my friend about this, and she said I can talk to the liar about it, because it really just shows that she values her real friendships.

Basically, I really feel the need to tell this woman that she’d be best to keep her damn mouth shut. She’s the biggest gossip/shit-talker I’ve ever had the pleasure of working with, and someone’s got to put a stopper in that piehole of hers.  It’s been hard to not say anything before, when I’ve heard her talking about other people we work with, and now I’ve got real cause to do so.  I have to admit, the only reason I haven’t told other people the things she’s saying about them is because she would know it came from this friend of mine.

Hell, she’s probably hoping that I do make a big stink out of it so she gets fired and can collect unemployment.  Ugh.